More Shit That Is Your Fault
Defending my point of view also had push back. Definitely more shit that is your fault. Besides the choices to live a crazy and reckless life, I am also at fault for making decisions to defend my point of view regardless of how it hurt others.
Right out of high school I had a religious experience that influenced me to go to a Bible College to get a degree in theology and play Christian rock ’n’ roll to save the world for Jesus. During those years I fought with people more than any other time in my life. The world of theology is very interesting and very opinionated. It’s kind of like politics. You pick one side or the other, and never the two shall meet. One side is the side of free will, the other side is the side of predestination, then you use the same book, the Bible, to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. Tens of thousands of people have been killed over the fight about theology. These are Christians killing Christians! Insanity? I think so.
The Religious Battle
I realized at one point that my life was not getting better holding this particular point of view. In my evangelical fundamentalism, I believed that gay people were sinning against God. They for sure would go to hell. I met some really nice gay people and realized, this way of thinking is really fucked up. I had made many enemies defending my point of view. As I let go of rigidity, I became more humble and accepting my life got better. Choose your battles wisely! Defending your point of view is shit that is your fault. One of the things that really helped me work through this is defining my core values. Feel free to check out the GeniusLab Sessions at www.TobyChristensen.com. This is a program I developed to work with this issue.
Knowing What You Stand For
In my book, you can be doing some of this work as well. For those of you who are or will attend my workshop, we will work together to help you define your core values. This will ease tension, guilt, and conflict around defending your point of view. Which leads me to the next aspect of shit that is your fault. Which is defending your core values! Your core values are important, but they are your core values, not the world’s core values. Core values are guiding principles for you to conduct yourself the ways that you believe you should. They are not rules and regulations to be applied to everyone in your life or the world. It is not helpful to go around knocking people over the head with your core values. You will probably get hit back.
Core values establish important boundaries and influence our belief system so that we are living in true alignment with our heart and the ability to achieve our life’s purpose. Where most people or societies get into trouble is when they apply their own values to others. This will often create tremendous conflict and pushback from those around you. Keep your rules and values to yourself. Demonstrate them by example, not by forcing or imparting them on other people.
More Shit That Is Your Fault Part II
Protecting loved ones. I cannot tell you how many arguments I got into with my ex-wife, notice it’s ex-wife, when I was simply trying to protect her. Something about this particular issue deals mostly with men and their wives or significant other and is particularly potent with women in regards to their children. A lot of pain has been caused by me acting as a protector in an unsolicited way. Like where I thought I was protecting or standing up for someone I love. They didn’t ask for my protection, they didn’t ask for me to defend them. It just seemed like the right thing to do. So I stepped in and did what I did on their behalf. Then got in trouble for it!
Shit From Good Deeds
Many of us carry loads of shit that comes from doing a seemingly good deed and pissing off the very person or people that we were doing it for. This is one of the most painful burdens that I carry that can prevent me from moving forward. It also is one of the most important lessons. No matter how many times you feel that a good deed does not go unpunished, don’t despair, Good deeds are good, and, communication and clarity will help in a big way.
Remember, all of the things I talk about may not be things you’ve experienced, but if they are, the purpose is to become aware of your errors so that you can let them go.
Remember the name of this book and the workshops I give that are based on it, Release Your Shit & Reclaim Your Power. There is no possible way you can ever reclaim your power until you clear out the energy of the shit that is causing guilt, shame, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and so on. It is important to investigate all these different possibilities so you can most efficiently eradicate the things that are holding you back from claiming your power.
The next thing that is your fault is pure selfishness! I must admit I am probably the number one violator of this that you will ever meet in your life. I have done so many things in my life that have caused pain to those around me. And the reason is simply that I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I did not take into consideration the feelings of those that were in my life. This can be a massive cause of guilt, shame, pain and self-loathing. It is the worst shit to hold onto, yet it is often the hardest to admit. Pure selfishness. This is a category of Shit that is probably the most painful because it is at the core of putting yourself first above all else. Most people with a moral compass realize they have taken their moral compass and thrown it in the garbage to execute the painful acts of pure selfishness.
Owning this will change everything. And acknowledging this within yourself is the most important thing you can do. Forgiving yourself is probably one of the hardest things to do especially when the actions that you have taken are out of pure selfishness. But, hey, why are we doing this work? It is time to forgive yourself and change your ways.
Nothing Is Unforgivable
I cheated on my wife. I met a girl. She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. She was provocative, she was flirtatious, she made me feel like I was 10 feet tall and bulletproof and she was married, not to me. I was married, not to her, but I wanted her more than anything in the world. So I went for it.
It was fun! Oh my god was it was fun! It was right out of the steamiest soap opera you have ever seen. Sneaking away to private places where we could indulge in each other. Being in public with our spouses and hiding our feelings for each other. The emotional rush was better than cocaine! Then we got caught. There was not a lot of violence, there was no yelling and screaming, just a lot of crying. When I saw the pain that I had inflicted upon my wife I was crushed. Whatever thrill there was, that wild relationship was not worth the pain I was feeling at this point. Yet at the time, it seemed so worth it. I felt like I deserved the treat of this fling. After all, I wasn’t getting any attention from my wife. The outcome was not much of a treat.
There Is Healing
After months of therapy, she was able to forgive me and we actually had a better relationship than before the affair. The thing that took much longer was for me to forgive myself. How could I have not seen the destruction coming my way? How could I do something that goes against everything I stand for? It took a long time, but I was finally able to let it go. This freedom has allowed me to learn how to have a loving relationship. Taking responsibility for the shit that is your fault is a key to this book/workshop. It is the thing that will give you freedom no matter what you have done! I have worked with drug dealers, people with severe sociopathic conditions, deeply religious people, and those have made horrible mistakes. I’ve worked with soldiers who have killed countless people on the battlefield and suffer horrific guilt. It is a guarantee, coming to grips with the things in this chapter are the key to moving forward.